One is none…

20170303_111136Somewhere in a police station someone is saying “Wait..I thought you had the keys to the weapons locker.”


Local LMI ( you know who you are) hit me up for a smokin’ deal on some night-sighted G22’s in wonderful condition.

Article – Janet Reno, former U.S. attorney general, dies at 78

Hmmm…Janet Reno dies the day before the election. Makes you wonder what she knew about Clinton.

Could not have happened to a nicer guy.

Janet Reno, the strong-minded Florida prosecutor tapped by Bill Clinton to become the country’s first female U.S. attorney general, and who shaped the U.S. government’s responses to the largest legal crises of the 1990s, died Nov. 7 at her home in Miami. She was 78.

The cause was complications from Parkinson’s disease, her goddaughter, Gabrielle D’Alemberte, told the Associated Press. Ms. Reno was diagnosed with Parkinson’s in 1995, while she was attorney general.

For you youngsters, she’s the guy who brought you such momentous moments as these:

elian-gonzalez waco_fire_wide-9203577b23bd582c55a3ac54d95e03ced5cd9573-s6-c30Say hi to Hitler and Ted Bundy while you’re down there, Janet.

Ah, but a man’s reach should exceed his grasp, or what’s PowerBall for?

$1.6 billion dollars is a lot of money. In fact, it is more than the gross domestic product of a dozen different countries. (To be fair, those countries are mostly small island nations that have virtually no real economy outside of tourism and offshore banking.)

The fact that I’m still here typing should tell you how well my foray into PowerBall-stoked billionaireism went.’s so delightfully decadent to imagine what you could do with that kind of money. According to my very bad public school math, taking the lump sum would have dropped me to around $800m. Then, after I generously buy Uncle Sam a couple jet fighters with the ~40% tax hit, I’m down to around $560m. Now it becomes interesting. Assuming some investments that yield a mere 5%, I could, in theory, get $28m/year just in interest without touching the principal. That, my friends, comes down to $2.3m every month to simply screw around with. Or, if you really want to go nuts, thats about $76,000 to spend every day. Do better than 5% and, naturally, you have more to piss away….and never touch the principal.

First thing: new phone number.

After that, it’s gifts for those I love. Nothing fancy. Everyone gets their house paid off.

Then it’s time to indulge fantasies. I’d imagine that when you order enough of a particular gun the gun companies are more than happy to cater to your bizarre needs. As a result, the guys at Ruger, PTR, Smith & Wesson, and Stag Arms, are going to be busy for a while. Federal can just unhook the trailers in my yard..I’ll take it from there. The ammo can go in the garage next to my new armored vehicle collection. Try not ding my new helicopter.

After that, it’s time to go shopping for real estate. Perhaps a small county in South Dakota or Utah. Something on the order of several square miles. Remember that scene in Quigley Down Under when, after days of traveling by wagon, Quigley asks “When are we getting to Marston’s ranch?” and the hand replies “We’ve been on his land for the last three days.” Yeah, it’d be like that.

And then I quietly retire to my lair to enjoy my enormous gun collection, fabulous shooting range, amazingly secure house, and other toys. When I’m not busy manipulating politicians with briefcases of ‘campaign contributions’, or making the lives of people who have wronged me miserable, I’ll spread a little joy to the world…repair a few decrepit schools, sponsor some scholarships, finance some animal shelters, build a few public shooting ranges, that sort of thing.

Perhaps buy a small gun company. Or start one from scratch using the latest and greatest manufacturing technology. Build my own company town with factory, R&D center, employee housing, etc.

You can have a lot of fun, do a lot of good, and screw over a lot of people, on $76 grand a day. A permanent suite..heck, an entire top floor…at some Las Vegas high-end hotel would be nice.

Alas….fun to fantasize but the reality is with 1:292,000,00 odds it’s just daydreaming. But, it’s those happy little vacations from reality that make life bearable, eh?


Posted in Fun

29 days ’till Paratus

The free ice cream machine, as Tam calls it, has been a little empty lately. Sometimes real life gets in the way, m’friends.

It is worthwhile to note (or at least I think it is) that Paratus is rapidly approaching. I know what you’re thinking…”But, Zero, it seems like I just put away all the Paratus trimmings from last season!”. Hey, man….that’s how holidays work.

For your full Paratus shopping needs, I recommend this list of Festivus items I put together a few years back. For the budget minded they are broken down into the cheap, middling, and dang-you-really-like-me price range.

Given the nature of the crappy storm we had recently that resulted in power outages that, in some areas, are still going on, I think this year a lot of the local people will be getting the LED MagLites as gifts. I am stunned at how many people dont have a good, quality, flashlight around the house. Stunned, I tell you. Me, I loves me some MagLite…..sure the Pelican lights are nice, and sure its hard to beat SureFire on a lot of stuff….but for a $25 flashlight that will take abuse like Clinton’s wedding vows, you can’t do better than the LED MagLite.

Anyway…Paratus approaches! Get out there and shop!

Birthday Friday

Unfortunately, this planet has made another rotation around the sun and Friday is my birthday. I’m not going to ask you to get me a gift, instead I’ll tell you that if you were inclined to get me a gift you should take the resources you would have used and get yourself something nice. If you think some dude on the interwebs deserves a gift more than you do, well…youre probably wrong. In the end, you’ll always be the only person you can count on so you may as well treat yourself nice.

In other gifting news, Paratus is five weeks away. Get your shopping done early and avoid the crowds.

Posted in Fun

Winning the loot roll

The big Festivus gift this year? Well, check this out… for the last week or so, the wife has been spending all her time in the living room configuring her computer for some new games that she was interested in playing. Nothing surprising there, after she’s done fighting the forces of evil at her job she often spends a few hours a night fighting them online.

So I open my suspiciously large wrapped gift this morning and inside the box is – a custom gaming PC that she built from parts and spent the last few days configuring and installing, right under my nose. She built it so that it looks like her computer and that way could do all the work on it in front of me without me being the wiser. How cool is that? And the best part? Windows 7….now thats thoughtful! SSD boot drive, awesome graphics card, modular expandable case, etc, etc. and its preloaded with Skyrim, Battlefield and WarCraft.


I’ve been using the same computer for the last seven or ten years and would never have bought one on my own. I tend to just use peoples hand-me-down computers because I’m too cheap to buy a new(er) one. As long as it runs my browser, lets me get email, and that sorta thing Im happy. So a dedicated gaming box…thats quite the toy.

So there you have it….not at all topical or gear-related but still one of the most awesome gifts I’ve ever gotten.

New Terminator movie

It seems that in the world of franchised movies these days there’s the notion of ‘resetting’ the franchise by giving some deus ex machina reason for timelines/history to be altered, thereby allowing sequels that can ignore previous movies. Most notably the last X-Men movie and the last two Star Trek movies. Well, it appears the Terminator franchise is headed in that direction:

I’ll go see it, of course, but from the trailer it simply looks like a mashup of T1 and T2 with some better effects and a virtually completely recast roster..(except for dat vun notable excepshun.)

But, really, who doesn’t wanna go see Arnie rockin’ the flattop and making bad one-liners?

Video – 1980’s surivivalist movie with all the cheese and bad acting of the ’80’s

Someone pointed this out to me and its too bad to not share.

National Guard biker gangs? Check!
Rutger Hauer lookalike bad guy? Check!
Stilted dialog? Check!
Alpha/beta male posturing? Double check!
Ridiculous gunplay? You bet!
Big teased hairstyles….on men? Yup!

How Jerry Ahern didn’t get a check for this is a mystery.

Without further ado, “Jack Tillman: The Survivalist”:

Oh, the early eighties….we thought we were so cool.

Camouflage ice cream

Apparently Baskin Robbins has a new flavor for Veterans Day:

Despite the color palate of Baskin-Robbins’s new Veterans Day flavor, we have to admit that the camouflage-patterned treat sounds mighty tasty.

The military-themed ice cream, formally dubbed First Class Camouflage, is available throughout November and is a combination of three flavors: chocolate (brown), “salty” caramel (tan) and vanilla cake (green).

There are other stealthy-colored items joining the menu as well, including bright green (almost neon) waffle cones and bowls and a First Class Camouflage Layered Sundae, which includes Oreo pieces, caramel praline topping, hot fudge and whipped cream.


Be nice if they were free to anyone who shows up in uniform or with a military ID.

Kinda makes you wonder if theyd have a Chocolate Chip desert camo to match the old chocolate chip desert camo.

Or dessert camo, I suppose.

Posted in Fun