Middle of the night, you wake up to the sound of police sirens, the occasional gun shot and the sound of flesh being gnawed upon. You get out bed, buck naked, and peer out the window. A quick look out the window shows that, indeed, the zombie apocalypse has begun. No problem, you think to yourself. You’ve read all the books, you’ve beaten the topic to death on all the forums, you’ve read all the blogs…you’re as prepared as they come. Your Glock is sitting on the nightstand, your AK is in the safe, theres mountains of food in the pantry, you’ve got the latest and greatest web gear…this’ll be a breeze. Speaking of breeze, better get dressed…you reach into you’re dresser and…
Well, dammit, what is the best underwear for TEOTWAWKI?
Men’s underwear comes in three different flavors: briefs, boxers, and the hybrid boxer brief.
Briefs are the y-front underwear that you usually start wearing when youre four years old and if no one ever sets you straight you continue to wear that same style into adulthood. Its functional and hysterically dumb looking on an adult. It looks like a diaper.
Boxers are loose fitting shorts. They’re comfortable, can double as outerwear in some situations and chicks dig them. They tend to bunch up and sometimes pull/twist at unfortunate angles.
Boxer briefs are a hybrid. They look like biker shorts. They don’t bunch up, they keep your junk from swinging around, and they can be pretty flattering.
Which one should you wear when the zombie hordes are on the move?
This is all personal pref, but Im leaning towards boxer briefs. Heres why… First, they are usually comfortable, they don’t bunch up when you pull your pants up like boxers do, they’re tight enough to keep things in place, and they offer a bit more leg protection. They’re a bit more streamlined than boxers, making getting dressed a bit easier.
Boxers are a close second…their big draw is that they’re comfortable and can double as outerwear if you have to.
For wet environs, the boxerbriefs have an advantage, IMHO. They don’t bind up like the loose materials of boxers, thus allowing a bit of room for your stuff to breathe. Naturally, some folks will chime in that in the wet environs you’re better off with no underwear. Perhaps, but I think the boxer briefs are a good choice nonetheless.
There’s also a fringe element that says to eliminate the underwear issue altogether and wear a kilt. Now, Im first to admit that there are times a kilt has some advantages…plenty of room in the crotch, keeps things cool in the summer, etc. The drawback is absolutely zero protection for the family jewels. Ticks, black flies, mosquitoes, bees, whatever get fast access to sensitive parts of the anatomy. On a day hike or somesuch, maybe the kilt is a good choice. Outrunning hordes of mutant cannibals? Comfortable pants with lotsa crotch room and a good pair of underwear please.
It goes without saying, cotton is the number one choice of material. It breathes, its absorbent, you can hand wash it and its comfy. I usually go with neutral or dark colors. No point waving around a white flag everytime you open your pants to take a whiz. Also, cotton has the advantage of being microwavable (assuming you have electricity) to kill germs and bacteria. Synthetic fabrics simply melt. Good to know if you wind up getting caught in a fire…melted synthetics on Mr Happy will definitely ruin your day. Hanging your cotton underwear on a line in the sunlight will also kill nasties through ultraviolet action.
Im not even going to begin to pretend to have some sort of informed opinion on what underwear chicks should wear when the revolution starts. In my perfect world, it would all be tiny g-strings with enormously tall high heels and barely-there tank tops. In reality, theyd probably be better off with boxerbrief type undergarments as well. Unfortunately.