Intruder alert

Originally published at Notes from the bunker…. You can comment here or there.

So there I am, minding own business. Clock says 2:10 am. Im playing Warcraft and, so far, everything is nice and quiet. Then I hear thumping of heavy footsteps coming onto my porch. Okay, thats a bit odd. Then I hear the screen door being pulled open. Definitely not the average unwanted solicitor or door-to-door Jesus salesman. Then, and here is where the heart rate starts amping up, the door starts rattling as someone tries the doorknob and attempts to open the door.

This is what we in the biz call ‘not good’.

Shotgun is a little unwieldy for this situation but the Glock 19 with tactical light seems to fit the bill nicely.  I block the door with my foot, unlock it, open it up and theres a drunk college kid swaying on his feet. Not a word.

“Whaddya want?”

Sway, sway, sway.

“Get off this porch and away from this house.”, I say in my best ‘command voice’. Its unlikely that the missus will awaken from the noise but you never know.

The light from the Glock is making our boy squint. I have the pistol tucked back against my side and my left arm out in a blocking position in case the distance gets closed in a hurry. However, Im also starting to see that this is going to need to de-escalate in a hurry. This guy is a drunk moron of a college student and while not 100% harmless the needle on the threat meter has dropped from red to green. Nothing here that cant be resolved with, at worst, a kick in the ass and maybe a little blunt force impact.

Drunkboy suddenly seems cognizant that theres a handgun attached to the flashlight that is making him squint. I kid you not, he says “Duuuuude!”

“Get off the porch and get outta here.”

“‘K, man.” and he starts to stagger off the porch. I lock the door, put the Glock away and go back to Warcraft. Then, not more than 45 seconds later, theres that thumping as feet run up the porch, the screen door is opened and theres a loud and more aggressive rattling of the doorknob and then some hard banging against the door. Not a loud knock, more like the heavy pounding that is usually, but not in this case, accompanied by something like “Open the door, bitch!”.


Ok, no more kidding around. I go into the bedroom and wake the missus. “Get dressed. We’ve got trouble. Drunk outside trying to get in.” She gets dressed and I ponder the options. Meanwhile, more bagning on the door.

“Get out of here or youre going to get Tased!”, I yell though the door.

“Im lost!”, comes the reply. Gotta be freaking kidding me. Theres only three ways this can end – he staggers away under his own power, he gets hauled out of here in handcuffs, I drag him bleeding and bruised into the gutter and leave him there to freeze. Option #1 has alot of appeal. I dont care if he gets drunk and falls to the curb, smashing his teeth and skull in the process…I just want him off my porch and out of my personal space.

The missus makes her appearance. I ask her for her heavy duty MagLite. I take it and open the door. Drunkboy is now sitting on my porch railing like he owns the place. I light him up with the lovely police-issue MagLite. “Get out of here or I’m going to hurt you very badly.”, I tell him. He gets up and starts ambling towards the steps leading off the porch. At this point the missus pops out the door with Taser in hand and introduces herself while enunciating her professional credentials..the ones that start with “Im Officer…” and end with “..of the Police Department”. Who says there isnt a cop around when you need one? She tells him to get out of here and that if he comes back he’s going to be arrested. He shambles off the porch and, hopefuly, wanders off to get hit by a car.

Naturally, she can fall right back to sleep. She’s used to alot more exciting stuff than this. Me, Im a little amped up and will probably be awake for another few hours.

Things to do differently? Probably should have woken up the missus initially just in case things did in fact go south. I had a few less-than-lethal options available between my computer desk and the door including a sap, Taser, baseball bat and 870 with rubber buckshot. However, when someone is rattling your doorknob at 2am I think there is nothing terribly imprudent about answering the door in a fashion that allows for an immediate armed response.

I did think about pepper spraying him the second time but I didnt want him standing on the sidewalk in front of my house screaming at the top of his lungs, waking the neighbors and drawing attention. Really, I could have called the cops and said “Someone is trying to break into my house” which is what he was trying to do. I know the local gendarmes love catching someone in the act on these things. However, once they found out who lived at the house they would probably have given the missus a huge ration of crap for not dealing with it herself.

Anyway, no muss, no fuss, no official police involvement. Just some 2am excitement and a little self-validation for keeping the a dedicated nighttime gun with tactical light on the nightstand.