Toilet humour is always good for a blog post. Today’s episode comes from Friend Of The Blog ™, Tam, over at View From The Porch where she recounts an episode of what happens when natures call is delayed by overpackaged designer toilet paper.
Here’s the money shot: “Just before I had to declare an emergency and kiss my socks goodbye…..”
Hysterical.
RTWT.
Meanwhile, everyone knows that women go through toilet paper like Germans through Poland. It’s exponential. Two women do not use twice as much TP as one. There’s a logarithmic (bodily) function somewhere in there.
I bring it up because toilet paper is one of those semi-serious things we survivalists rally around. Right after ‘who has the most guns’ and ‘how much ammo is enough’ comes the ‘how much toilet paper do you store’. I have the space to store a goodly amount, so I keep about 200 rolls on hand. That should cover me for a good while unless I develop a sudden interest in Mexican food or drink a Giardia cocktail.
Toilet paper is one of those things that is usually briefly touched on in survivalist fiction but almost never addressed in movies or TV. I’ve seen exactly one toilet paper reference in eight years of The Walking Dead. (Specifically, the episode where Bob The Alkie is introduced. He’s sitting on top of a truck trailer with a roll of TP sitting next to him. The implication being that he took a dump on the undead below him.)
Like .22 ammo, there’s just really no just-as-ggod-as substitutes. Leaves, phonebooks, small furry animals, paper towels, and anything else semi-disposable just don’t seem to do the trick.
I suppose you could go the way of the Third Worlders and make sure to use one specific hand for eating and the other for…….. but I didnt make these efforts and sacrifices so I can live like a Third Worlder.
My experience has been that toilet paper has only three natural enemies – women, mice, and moisture. Storing it in a waterproof container handles the moisture, storing it off the ground usually keeps themice from nesting in it, and buying the discount brands usually keeps the Gyno-Americans out of it.
For travel, whether planned or unplanned, the usual thing is to just grab a roll, squash it flat, and shove it in a ziploc bag. That has a certain utilitarian quality is simple and effective. Turns out there are special ‘travel packs’ of toilet paper and you really can’t underestimate their utility. I usually just throw a couple of those pocket packs of Kleenex in my bag and use those if necessary…its convenient, cheap, multipurpose, and available.
Back in the old days, MRE’s used to give you actual toilet paper and it was worth saving the extras from your MRE pack for later use since it was packaged pretty well. Modern MRE’s give you these little blue individual squares that I cannot fathom were ordered by anyone who has ever had to take a dump out in the field.
Moral of the story? Well, first off, toilet paper is cheap and a definite nice-to-have… dont put a dozen rolls in the hallway closet and think you’re done. Go to CostCo and get a couple of the big 30-packs. Second, keep a half dozen in the bathroom. Without getting too..rude…go sit yourself on the toilet and figure out what your maximum reach is from there. Keep the a half dozen rolls within that reach. No brainer. And, finally, if you’re going through any crisis that requires you to whittle down your stock of end-of-the-world TP you’re also in a crisis where personal hygiene just took a boost in importance – so make damn sure to wash your hands and use hand sanitizer afterwards. Your stash of TP goes a lot further when you don’t have to deal with cholera and dysentery.
I learned that if I keep one of those hiker-size rolls of Charmin in each of my various laptop bags/camera bags/5.11 PUSH Packs, I’m the most popular kid on the roadtrip, let me tell you. 🙂
The almost good (and quickly cancelled) NBC show “Revolution” had a great T.P. reference. One of the characters says “Ya know, when this all started I had $80 million in Google stock. Right now I’d trade it all for one ultra pack of Charmin.”
I buy the cubes of 80 rolls of Scott 2-ply from Amazon when it’s a “special.” No, I am not discussing the number of cubes I’ve purchased, but figure ATF or someone must have some sort of list . . .
Few years back I ran across a janitorial supply outfit going out of business and selling everything cheap, creating An Opportunity. Bought some shelving, couple mops, etc. And 15 cases of the large diameter industrial TP rolls, all they had left – same stuff you see in gas stations on the interstate, comes 8 rolls to a case. I figured worst case, barter goods.
It’s only 4 inches wide, but each roll is 1,000 feet long – yes, feet and two-ply. Tested a roll, without a wall-mounted holder, just set it on the vanity. Family of 4 (50/50 M-F mix) consumed a roll in just under 4 weeks, so it’s 13 rolls a year. Case and a half, about.
It’s too big for portabiliy, a bit of a pain without a holder, and inconvenient as barter goods, but it works.
COSTCO usually has TP on sale every two months. Irritating when they limit the sale to 6 packages.
Had a good chuckle about the Poland comment. So true! I swear that my wife uses about 4 or 5 times as much TP to mop up after a pee than I do for a #2!
Many years ago I had occasion to to visit a home that, as it turned out, had no toilet paper. No tissue of any kind in the bathroom. I swore I’d never find my own home so deficient & started buying tp by the case. Since I was single then, it lasted a long time. Which was a blessing when I got laid off my job during a recession – one less thing to worry about.
Another thing to have while traveling or for illness is small packages of wet wipes. The Cottonelle brand doesn’t smell as bad as baby wipes You can buy larger packages that are cheaper. They do dry out eventually, but can be rehydrated. And they are sturdier than regular tp.
You raise a good point there about how when you were laid off it was a great thing to have that supply already laid in.
I’m much more likely to have a Personal Apocalypse (unemployment, injury, etc.) than a Universal Apocalypse (zombies, nukefest, Hillary Clinton, etc.).
That’s why whenever I go buy a long term storable commodity (TP, motor oil. canned food, laundry detergent, etc.) I will always grab an extra if I have the bucks.
This way if I get laid off and money becomes a very serious concern at least I wont be agonizing over whether or not to part with one of my last 20’s to get detergent and bleach.
If you don’t do Costco, I’ve found the Family Dollar four packs to be the best bargain at a cost per square foot, 2-ply. They are cheaper than the Wally twelve pack. But then, what isn’t more expensive at China Mart?
Only 200 rolls? When my girls and grandgirls showed last year to visit for a month, I had 350+ rolls on hand. When they left, there were maybe 200. Don’t even want to know…
Ball-park, when I was paying attention, it worked out to going through a roll/wk, which makes planning easier.
In married times, we went through closer to 4 rolls/wk.
So I’d figure on stocking 1 roll/wk, and an additional 3rolls/wk for each additional woman or child, for planning purposes, and you won’t go far wrong.
The indoor facilities sport a six-roll rack, so I’m never left without the necessaries to complete your paperwork.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwpIvE613Dg
Having too much on hand is strictly speaking, not possible.
It’s a misnomer/oxymoron, like “extra money”, or “jumbo shrimp”.
And in the day, you always saved the MRE packets, in a ziplok.
Because eventually even MRE peanut butter and cheese were going to fail, and you’d need more than a few squares. On a couple of multi-month trips to the desert, those packets could be traded like dollars.
Just spent 15 minutes FIFO-ing two new 30 packs to the basement & two older 30 packs to the second floor before reading this.
instead of wet wipes, I use one paper 6X6-inch paper towel sections that I squirt with witch hazel, then a dry one after. That was the chief ingredient of the so-called “tucks wipe”