The good news is I’m gonna die.
The bad news is it won’t be today.
(well, it could be today…it could be at any moment, really…but broadly speaking, not today.)
This pretty much covers it:
Starting Thursday, two nights of curled up in bed in the fetal position with pain right above my right hipbone, I was utterly convinced it was a bowel blockage of some kind and some laxatives and patience would take care of it. (And, yes, I actually did think it might be Hirschsprung’s disease.) At 4am I drove to Walgreens to get some laxative suppositories and discovered that Walgreens didn’t open until six. Okay, fine. I pulled into a gas station, fueled up, and started to head for the house. As I was driving, I thought “You know, I’m already dressed, Im already driving, lets just go to the damn Emergency Room already.”
Walked in, told the folks “This is kinda embarassing but I havent pooped in three days, I’m in a tremendous amount of pain and discomfort, can you give me a bottle of whatever it is you give people to clean em out for colonoscopies and I’ll be on my way?” Nope, they say. Ya gotta get checked over by the doctor. Doc does a CT scan and comes back into the room. “Tell me its just a piece of unchewed, undigested pizza doing this.”, I said. Nope, she replies, you’ve got an appendix that needs to see daylight and needs to see it now – there’s a surgeon on the way. You’ve got a ruptured appendix.
“But..I’m in the Two Hour Parking!”
As they wheeled me in to surgery, the doctor looks at me and says “So, you’ve never had your appendix out?” (At which point I’m thinking…don’t you know??? Thats why youre here!) To which I replied, in perfect mimicry from the above video, “I’ve been meaning to, but who has the time?”
Fentanyl? Huge fan. Hydrocodene? Not bad.
And that’s the highlight of my week thus far.
It’s also as much detail as I’m willing to pass on at this point, so don’t ask any questions.
Those of you who emailed me and ordered up some mags, no delays..they’ll got out in the next day or so…business as usual.
And one less medical procedure for me to worry about after the apocalypse.