Add plumbers to the list of People I Will Look Out For In The Apocalypse.
Horrible plumbing story follows:
In every house (usually) there is a shutoff valve for turning off the flow of water into the house from the water main in the street. Additionally, at the curb in front of your house, there is a valve that the water company uses to shut off water to the house in case you don’t pay your bills or youre doing some sort of massive plumbing undertaking, etc. (Obviously, if youre not on city water this won’t apply to you.)
So, a few years back, the extremely ancient shutoff valve in the basement succumbed to age and would not close. Thus, the only way to turn off the water to the house to allow for work to be done would be to shut the valve off at the curb. All you had to do was have the water company come by, turn off the valve at the curb, and then you could replace your shutoff valve in the basement. Easy peasy Japanesey.
Problem: shutoff valve at the curb is also not working and will not close.
Result: there is literally no way to turn off the flow of water to the house.
This means that if you have a pipe break or something, you literally can do nothing except stick your finger in the broken pipe and hope for the best. The solution is to have the water company come by, turn off the water to the street (thereby turning off water to your neighbors) and coordinating with an excavating company to tear up the sidewalk, dig six feet down, replace the valve, fill the hole, replace the sidewalk. On my dime.
So…I just crossed my fingers that there’d be no pipe issues until such time as I could afford to have this excavation done. My hundred year old house had other plans.
Had a problem with the bathtub faucets that required them to be replaced. This was something that, no two ways about it, needed the water turned off. Hmmm.
So I went to the basement and figured it had been about ten years since I tried the valve, lemme try it again. Surprise..the water turned off. Hmmmm. So, my thinking was this: the valve is on its way out. If I can turn it off and on just one more time, I can shut off the water, install a ball valve right above it, open it back up, and leave it open forever and just use the ball valve above it as my shutoff. And thats what I did. And all was fine.
For a few days.
I went into the basement and I smelled water. I looked, and there was a steady drip coming from the stem of the old valve. Working it had shaken loose whatever packing was left in it and it was now leaking. It needed to be replaced. It could no longer be avoided. I contacted an excavating outfit and told them to write me up a bid. Then I went to the plumber HQ and asked if they had any suggestions.
“Well, just replace the shutoff valve.”, they said.
“Can’t. The valve at the curb doesn’t work. No way to turn off the water.”
“Oh. Yeah. Well, Nick can probably do that. He changes shutoff valves on live water and gas pipes all the time.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. He can do it live.”
“Sign me up.”
And thus, I met the Chuck Norris of plumbers. This Nick guy must have been trained by Shaolin plumbers in a monastery in New Jersey or something because, indeed, his plumb-fu was strong.
So Nick comes in, cranks, the valve shut (although the valve stem is leaking like a ten dollar hooker during Fleet Week), and readys his gear. He pulls out a new ball valve, goops it up with whatever that stuff is plumbers slather on it, loosens the old valve, and goes to work. He puts a five-gallon bucket over the pipe, reaches under with one hand, undoes the old valve, water starts shootting up into the bucket and cascading to the floor, he takes his other hand with the new valve, reaches under the bucket, threads on the new valve, and the water stops flowing. He literally did it in less time than it took to read this paragraph.

Out with the (very) old….

…in with the new.
Amount of water on my floor? A couple gallons, max. Easily remedied with some old towels and an electric fan. More importantly, there is now a working shutoff valve for the house, which means I can turn off the water if I need to…which means I can buy time on getting the valve at the curb replaced.
Soup to nuts, it was a sub-$200 job. I couldn’t hand the money over fast enough. For the last few days I’ve been having to empty a bucket under that valve twice a day and all I could think about was ‘what if…’… like what if the thing suddenly crapped out completely and water is spewing into my basement and I have literally no way to turn it off? So, yeah, the peace of mind I have now is much better.
If I ‘d known they could ‘do it live’ I’d have had this done a long time ago.
I knew a guy in high school who is now a master plumber in NYC…. I shoulda flown him out here and given him a Montana vacation in exchange for doing some work.